It’s over…my life is over…

                    The pace of my heart quickened as I picked up the phone.  I shifted awkwardly in my chair as I stared at the number on the piece of paper in front of me.  This wasn’t happening.  Four years.  Thats how long it took me the courage to call and confess my mistake.  Yesterday didn’t count.  Today I was ready to be 100% honest with him, as well as myself.  I dialed the number fast before pride could change my mind.  Nervousness and giddiness consumed me.  This was it.  The moment of truth.  Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  Ring.  “Hello.”  Finally someone answered!  “Is Nick there?”  The unfamiliar voice coolly answered back,”Does he go by Nicholas?”  What?  That is weird.  He always went by Nick before.  I didn’t like the way that sounded.  Nicholas.  No.  That wasn’t right.  He was still just Nick to me.  “Yes” I breathed.  “Just a sec.”  The silence on the other end was overwhelming.  Would he take my call?  Would he hang up on me when he heard my voice?  “Hello.”  The familiar low voice answered quietly.  “Hi, it’s Raley again.”  Silence.  Okay.  I am diving in head first.  Please don’t let me drown.

  “I wasn’t honest with you yesterday.  I wasn’t honest when I told you how I was doing, or if you asked me if I was happy.  The truth is, I’m not.”  My voice cracked on the last sentence, and I knew there was no stopping the internal wave of emotion that swept over me.  Tears brimmed my eyes, and before I could start the next sentence, were streaming down my cheeks mercilessly.  Truth escaped my lips before I had a chance to stop it.  “I feel like 6 years ago, I made the wrong choice.  I know I can’t go back and change it, and we were so young.  I feel like I walked away from my one true love.  Maybe I already made the choice years ago, but I don’t want to lose you again.  I am not ready to have you out of my life.  I miss you.  Since I can’t have you as more than a friend, I want…no…NEED your friendship in my life.”  Did I really just say that?  Tell me that all just didn’t come out of my mouth!  He is the one in the hospital, holding onto what he has left of a life.  Shouldn’t he be the one needing friendship?  I heard nothing.  Then breathing in my ear on the other end into the phone filled my ears.  The breathing that used to annoy me so much, gave me reassurance that I was still talking to the same person from years ago.  Through the tears I smiled, a helpless reaction to the humming breath into the phone on the other end of the line.  The smile was gone in an instant when I realized that he hadn’t reciprocated my feelings.  SAY SOMETHING!  Finally, I heard “I don’t know what to say.”  Oh.  “Just be honest.”  I blurted out thoughtlessly.  I just knew that he felt the same way.  He LOVES me.  He has to.  Still silence on the other end.  I felt a need to fill the silence, so then the rambling started.  I wished someone was there to put their hand over my mouth, to stop me from making a complete fool of myself talking through the nonstop tears. 

 “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.  It doesn’t matter to me how you are in my life, but I just want you in it.  Noone knew me better than you.  I could answer the phone, and just by saying ‘Hello’ you could tell if I was having a good day or a bad day.”  I felt myself getting more upset as the words just poured out of my mouth in between the sobs.  “I am so sorry for what you have gone through.  I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you.  I made the wrong choice.  I know I shouldn’t live in regret, but I do.  I regret not choosing you.  I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything ever happened to you.”  By now I was out of my chair, pacing.  Pacing and physically upset.  The deafening quiet on the other end was unbearable.  Not even so much as a breath came from him.  Determined that it was his turn to talk, I let him think in silence.  After minutes passed that seemed like hours, he said it again.  “I don’t know what to say.”  The tone of his voice was low, and sounded concerned.  This worried me.  Did I make a mistake?  Why was I so brutally honest!  “Just be honest with me, I was honest with you.”  I heard myself shoot back, a little too defensively.  Suddenly, I felt a need to protect my feelings.  I sensed that this conversation was not going to go at all as I had planned.  Then he started to explain himself.  “I love-loved you very much.  I was so crazy about you at one time of my life.  In the last six years, I’ve thought about you more than you could ever know.  I am still going to stand by my decision.  I think it’s best if we don’t speak again.”  Oh!  My heart could have stopped beating at that moment, and it wouldn’t have mattered.  I could feel my world caving in around me.  Everything that had every meant anything to me, was gone.  I was hanging onto every word of his quiet voice.  Waiting…waiting for the words that I knew would never come.  “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?  It isn’t easy for me to push you away.  But I need to know that you understand what I’m trying to tell  you.”  No.  No this isn’t happening.  It wasn’t supposed to be this way.  This cannot be the end.  “I understand.”  I was lying to him now.  Of course I didn’t understand. 

 I melted to the floor, shaking, not sure of how much more of this I could take.  “How is your family doing?”  He asked.  “Great.  Everyone seems to be doing just fine.”  I managed to say, caught off gaurd by the change of thought.  “I heard your brother moved out of state.”  Yes!  A normal conversation!”  “He did.  How is your sister doing?  How is your family?”  “Raley.  I’m going to hang up now.”  My throat got tighter, as I knew what was coming.  “Goodbye” I managed to whisper.  Then I heard silence.  It was over.  It was all over.  I stared ahead at nothing, as the neverending tears blurred my vision.  My life was completely over. 

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Published in: on September 13, 2010 at 12:09 am  Leave a Comment  
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ipaperback…

I am writing a story.  A story that I want to share with the world.  Although I have always had a passion for writing, I have never done anything of this sort.  I am staying anonymous…for now.  As I am unsure of how those surrounding me would react to my passion, as I am a busy woman with many.  So here goes.  Let the story begin…  unfolding day by day…you get to read it first.

Published in: on September 12, 2010 at 11:42 pm  Leave a Comment